No matter how often I tell myself not to do it, I still do it.

You know that people on LinkedIn/Twitter/facebook/TikTok aren’t real. You know you are not looking at real lives or even at real faces or real bodies, but still, there’s a feeling of defeat.

And then there’s …

anger that you’ve wasted so much time on these apps – then the anxiety and depression that follows. Getting into futile arguments with people on your feed, and then promising yourself you’ll take a break. But the next thing you know, you’ve picked up your phone, and you’re scrolling again.

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Logic won’t work in this situation. Nor will terrorizing yourself by imaging awful consequences. Nor will punishing yourself by feeling bad. You already apply logic, you know what’s good for you, but that hasn’t made any difference. You’re already feeling bad, so how could feeling worse help?

To resolve these issues, you don’t need to try harder. Just understand what is in control of behaviour and learn how to communicate with it.

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‘Who’s in charge around here? I demand to speak to the boss!’

The ‘boss’ is the unconscious mind. It is running the show, and it’s on your side, in the sense that it wants you to continue being alive. But it doesn’t give a rat’s arse whether you are happy are not. It’s only objective is that you live to see another day.

This is a familiar idea, yet most of us have no idea how to communicate with it, and how to get it to respond to what will see us thrive rather than just survive.

Despite what you might have been told, you do not need years of therapy or on-the-couch analysis. You do not need to revisit trauma, or to understand where your troubles came from. You don’t even need to forgive anyone or love yourself.

If you want to change behaviour, you just need to understand how to communicate with what’s causing behaviour.

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Theorizing and explaining are in the territory of the conscious mind. They have a part to play, but they can’t go the whole way to clear disturbing feelings and behaviours. The part of mind that matters doesn’t understand logic and consequences. This is why insights often don’t bring the changes in behaviour you might expect.

The boss – the unconscious mind – lives in a different realm and needs to be communicated with in her language. She loves stories, metaphors and symbols, and she responds to a deep and powerful connection with a facilitator or therapist.

Reactions to the world around you, what you go towards and what you shy away from, are also part of her lexicon. She assumes that the activities you avoid are scary and those that you do are safe.

This works.

Find out more about how transformation happens with The Institute for Rapid Resolution Therapy, Inc.