“I should have …” “I should never have …” “If only I had just …” “Why did I …”
No matter how stuck you feel, it is possible to let go of regret. Regret robs us of inner peace, dragging us into the past to fixate on the moments we wish we could undo. For years, my first thought every morning was “If only I…” I was desperate to be free of the past.

Regret is repetitive and relentless. The pain persists long after the event that triggered it, obscuring the pleasures and opportunities of the present. You are pulled back in time, where an inner voice mocks, ‘You should have known …. How could you have been such an … You should have been smarter, you could have at least been nice …. Done some good.’

Like moths around a lightbulb—delicate bodies in flight toward a light they will never reach.

You Can Let Go of Regret

But here’s the truth: regret isn’t a fact. It’s a feeling. And feelings can be released.

No matter how often we see the flimsiness and senselessness of regret in others, the stories we tell ourselves feel like indisputable facts: we absolutely should have or should not have done whatever we did (and we should have known better).

The Sedona Method is a simple, powerful technique for letting of regret and releasing the stuckness that goes with it—more on this below.

Dissecting ‘If Only’ and ‘What If’

Understanding the exact nature of this experience, of regret, of feeling crushed by the past is the first step in learning how to release it, to let it go.

Step 1: You Are Reminded of What You Could Have Had

How about Bitcoin? You are sitting in a train and across from you is a newspaper headline ‘Bitcoin surges to all-time high’. You sold at $5,000. If you had held on, you would never have had to work again. When I saw that headline, I felt sick, my stomach tightened, and my heart sank. I felt stupid, useless and terrified of the future.

Your trigger might be a reminder of a relationship you believe you damaged. It could be a memory of a disastrous financial decision, or even missing out on a great party. It’s anything that takes you back to a moment when you did something … that you now wish you hadn’t.

Step 2: Your Body and Mind Create Pictures, Sounds and Sensations

Images appear in your mind of the people who do have the thing you missed out on. They are enjoying it, while you miss out. You see yourself with the thing you lack and it hurts. You feel dejected and lacking. You replay the moment when you made the fateful decision.

More pictures appear and thoughts of ‘I was so stupid — how could I not have known?’ There might be a contraction in your body as you brace yourself against the images and ideas your mind is producing. Now, the pain of lacking the thing you could have had is amplified by the pain of self-betrayal and self-denigration, and a suspicion that there is something wrong with you; maybe you will always make terrible decisions, maybe this is it.

In the face of this onslaught of pain, you might attempt to downplay the loss with thoughts like ‘there are lots of miserable rich people’ or I’m somehow special, maybe this will be the making of me”.

But this is like holding a balloon under water and this strategy — a sort of gaslighting yourself — only adds to your suffering.

In my example above, it’s ‘I hate f’ing Crypto! It’s all rigged anyway.’ While hoping those smug investors will lose their shirts.

Step 3: Plan for Change!

And then the icing on the cake is the ‘demand for future change’. You will tell yourself that you must do better next time so that you don’t have to suffer like this again. You get to work on plans to improve yourself and your decision-making capabilities. Good luck.

When I saw that headline, I felt sick, my stomach tightened, and my heart sank. I felt stupid, useless and terrified of the future.

No matter how intense the feeling, ‘I should (never) have …’ now, in this moment, is a collection of images, sensations and sounds. These come together to give us the experience we call ‘regret’ or something similar.

Here are the synonyms for ‘regret’ that might help you explore this peculiar, only-too-human experience.

Not a comfortable read, but perhaps secretly seductive. Why else do we love to belt out Edith Piaf – Non, je ne regrette rien (Live Version) — a song which inevitably brings all our regrets to mind?

Even so, “I should (never) have…” is still not a fact.

This matters because while facts maybe facts and what you did or didn’t do still has an impact on your life, feelings can be released.

By Releasing Regret, You Can Free Yourself of the Bind of the Past

How can you do that?

The main technique I use is the Sedona Method, and the first step is to welcome regret.

Are you kidding? No.

It’s surprisingly relaxing, and if welcoming is too much, replace it with allowing (hint: it’s here anyway).

The next step is to release wanting to get rid of and wanting to keep it, to hold on tight. This often reveals a few surprises and sometimes a smile or a giggle.

I enhance the Sedona Method with other teachings and techniques: Polyvagal Theory to understand what is happening in the nervous system and Rapid Resolution Therapy to undo the belief that we can change the past.

New Year Sedona Method release on letting go of the previous year to face the next one with greater energy, clarity and freedom.